I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
