Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
