my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
