The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
