Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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