I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
