I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
