Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
