Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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