I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize