When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
