Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
