Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
