I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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