help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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