also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
