seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
