I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
