the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
