Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
