What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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