so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize