we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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