Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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