I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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