Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
