I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
