i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
pop tarts are not kleenex
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We have started to decorate penises.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
