so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
