sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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