So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
