dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My pussy is not your playground.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
