I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
