We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
