Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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