I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I looked at my own cervix.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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