Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
