you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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