Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
