i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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