Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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