she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
