I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
