My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
