I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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