When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
