So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
