What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
