I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
