She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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