so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This is the high leading the old right now
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
