me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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