you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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