You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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