WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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