does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
