I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
