Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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