Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i already hear my dad disowning me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
