my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
