mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
