he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
