Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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