2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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