Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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