Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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